My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
