tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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