DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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