dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
