i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
