It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
