never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
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