Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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