You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
