I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
