Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
