It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Randomize
