I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
