My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
