I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
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It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
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Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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