Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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