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• (503): View more from Oregon

  I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.

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• (303): View more from Colorado

  You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.

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• (231): View more from Michigan

  Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.

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• (586): View more from Michigan

  We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine

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• (705): View more from Ontario

  And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab

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• (970): View more from Colorado

  Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me

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• (817): View more from Texas

  Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"

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• (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth

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• (631): View more from New York

  I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"

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• (614): View more from Ohio

  When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?

  (330): View more from Ohio

  Come on... He's just practicing.

  (614): View more from Ohio

  Ok. That's acceptable.

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• (602): View more from Arizona

  I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again

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• (585): View more from New York

  I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.

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• (661): View more from California

  Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.

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• (303): View more from Colorado

  I got copblocked.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  What?

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.

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• (407): View more from Florida

  Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?

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