so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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