I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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