Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
