Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
