Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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