She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
