My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
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