I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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