While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
