He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
