my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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