saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
