when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
