Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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