The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
