She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
The Olympian is in my bed
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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