the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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