Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
