Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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