how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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