..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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