I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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