my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
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