I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
