she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize