I wish my penis had an off switch
everyone is single if you try hard enough
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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