Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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