I cannot find my penis.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
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