just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
