I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
