If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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