My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
