I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
