Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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