My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
