I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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