The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
