i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
