That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
