no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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