This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I love having hate sex.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
