if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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