yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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