My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
