Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Randomize
