She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
