It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
