he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
